This isn’t so much for anyone who is already married but for people who are single or engaged or thinking about becoming engaged. I’ll be the first to admit it’s just my two-cents worth.
I’ve been married since May 2000, and I entered it the way most people do–for life. Right?
In the first several years of being married there were times I thought I was going to die inside. I was in so much pain from not having my needs met that I didn’t know how I could make it 50 years in that state. It takes two to Tango, eh? And suffice it to say that my beloved was also suffering in similar ways for similar reasons. We communicated until there were no words. Fights lasted a long time (hours). But either to our credit or by the hand of God we chose in one another a partner that was willing to work very hard at learning how to find the channels of communication that did work since obviously the ones we were instinctively trying did not.
Does anyone research marriage before they get sucked into that “life long” commitment? I can tell you that I did not! But what came to be very clear in short order was that unless I did see it as a “self-improvement project” rather than a “spouse-improvement project” then the marriage wasn’t going to work and maybe not even last.
When they get engaged, most people are coerced into taking or they run to the nearest premarital “counseling” classes they can find. But does that really count as research? Even the best premarital programs are ones of self-discovery and a bit of “too little too late” in my opinion. Most of what’s in those programs should be advertised to singles! The people who haven’t already put 50K into the wedding. I’m sure it happens but I’ve yet to meet anyone who’s attended one of these lovey-dovey conferences and decided that they just aren’t right for one another.
How about this: does anyone approach marriage as a self-improvement project? Not that we should enter it solely for that purpose or as martyrs for a cause, but whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not there are few of us who actually enter marriage with no expectation of change from the other person. Or with no conditions.
If we do admit that there are conditions in our relationship then they are easily defensible I suppose? Below I present some cryptic scenarios. They’re over-simplified to be sure but it isn’t a stretch to surmise that any of these could lead to the kind of conflict that precipitates divorce. In truth they all have been part of the core cause that led to marriages I have personally known to fall apart.
“He makes me feel so good about myself.”
Unspoken condition: “As long as he makes me feel good about myself and pays attention to me I will stay with him.”
“She needs me.”
Unspoken condition: “I need to be needed so as long as she needs me I will stay with her.”
“I feel calm around him.”
Unspoken condition: “As long as that calm feeling continues and I don’t become frustrated by his lack of emotion I will stay with him.”
“She is so much fun.”
Unspoken condition: “As long as she doesn’t get overly involved with the rest of the world I will stay with her.”
“He draws me out.”
Unspoken condition: “As long as he doesn’t hit a long-term patch of depression I will stay with him.”
Now please allow me to state that it is unrealistic to think that there are no conditions in the commitment of marriage. The vow that marriage is can be broken in several ways, adultery being just the first most obvious one. For now I’d like to examine with you the conditions that are less dire–if we say them out loud it’s easier to hear the contrast. Part of the trick is to identify the conditions we have placed on our relationship. Once we identify them then we must decide how realistic they are and how able we are to live with those conditions not being met.
If something is really good, you’ll know. Like when you see a good movie, I often have friends come to me and tell me about a great movie, good restaurant, new book, etc…
Yet when I was single I never had anyone come and say “Bro, you’ve GOT to get in on this married sh*t! It’s the best thing ever!!!” No instead, like most single I hear people talk about how if they could go back; not only would they defer on marriage, but children as well.
And as I have said many times before, there is no need for the government to be involved in my love-life. Marriage should be a ceremony ONLY, no legal contracts. That way when the relationship is over, so is the marriage. What a novel idea that is.
Did I neglect to mention that I’m very happily married? It’s true. My point in this first of several pieces is that no one should be naive when they lock themselves into marriage.
Well said Jodi I will check in later for your future installments. However to the happily married point, some people actually do win the lotto also, but I doubt you’d be willing to spend your entire net worth on tickets. Would you get on a plane if there were a 50% chance of a crash landing?
I do like how you phrased your last sentence “lock themselves into marriage”. Why lock yourself down at all? You lock something down because you think that if you don’t; you will no longer have it (it gets stolen, runs away, etc..)
So if you have to lock down your relationship, then do you really have a relationship?
I’m humbled at your take on pre-marriage and singleness, and the seriousness of the commitment of marriage. I agree – marriage has FAR more to do with self-improvement than SPOUSE-improvement. Far more. And as issues and tensions are ironed out in the heat of marriage, we’ve found we can become each other’s best coaches for our own self-improvement. Who else knows us so deeply and yet loves us so unconditionally? Marriage: becoming the very best versions of ourselves for the sake of the other person, …for as long as we both shall live.